This past weekend I was in a car accident that could have been much worse than it was. For one I swerved through three freeway lanes and got to the shoulder “safely.” Second, I could have been arrested on a DUI. I wasn’t intoxicated but had been thoroughly fucked up the night prior and had a beer earlier in the day. I could taste the alcohol on my breath, and the officer could smell it. long story short I passed all the DUI tests, regardless of the fact I was going crazy because I could have almost died, in addition to two of my close friends: one who was like my brother/father figure growing up, and another who lost a sister in a car accident less than a year ago. I was fucked up! Thinking back I’m surprised I didn’t fold… but then again I did. I folded the next day. I hadn’t really seen my friend in ten years… we’d always been close and like kindred souls but i guess there’s nothing like a near death experience to bring two people close. Here I was 25 and I felt like I was six again hanging out with dude. I cried, dude cried… we laughed, talked 2pac, church, family, god and prayer. Same tone, different words. We couldn’t shut up. I didn’t want dude to go home. I realized it’d been a long time since I really cried… the last time I was in a mental hospital on a 72 hour hold, and I still don’t know why I was crying. I was ashamed of what I’d tried to do. I was ashamed I tried to kill myself… I’ve never said that aloud. Obviously I didn’t want to die because I called 911 myself, but the fact that it got there... I won’t get into the specifics, but I don’t feel like I’ve ever confronted the fact that i did that head on. Since then (probably before then), I’ve tried to be superman and take on any and everything that came my way except myself. I’ve been detached from myself and everyone around me. Ask my girl how long I pushed her away before I accepted her into my heart… only i know how long i loved her before i was able to admit it to myself, let alone her. I’ve done the same thing with God. And i belive it caught up. I thought it caught up with me the night I tried to take my life, but i think it did this past weekend I almost died... the time i almost died and it wasn't under my control. I’ve tripped over the fac that people pull close to God during the hard times… I get it now. Am I ready to go to church? No. Will I read the bible? No. Will I try my best to humble myself and ask god to walk with me and give me the strength and courage to accept him? Yes. Last week I’d never imagine myself saying some shit like that.

A friend asked me what I learned from this weekend… I think she was speaking in terms of what the police put me through. Yes, I did learn that no matter what I’m black. no matter how much i try to raise my son to be blind to color lines, it doesn't change the fact that they're there. If I didn’t know, now I know… but something I think is more important is that I want and need a relationship with God. It still sounds crazy to think, but it feels true. The world just doesn’t seem so scary when I say it.

Note:
I really am almost done with the POOK article… its just been a lot going on as you can read. I’ve got midterms this week too. but I want it to be right. Dude spent a lot of time with me for me not to make it right.

Thanks and peace

The interview with POOK DIESEL is done. It was a great experience. Shout out to dude because he made it easy… we had a long talk. I freakin ran out of tape! Luckily it was at the end, but I was only able to get like a minute of dude actually doing some recording. hopefully its still worth something when dude blows... hahaha. We went talked about more than the music, and that’s what I was going for. The next day I was wondering if that’s how its supposed to go. Then I was like fuck it- it felt right. A couple of days later I was reading XXL or the Source (I seriously can’t remember) and there was an interview with Pharrell, and at one point he’s like “do you think XXL really wants to know about my beats?” The light bulb got that much brighter. Everybodys got a story.

Hopefully I’ll finish the article over the weekend. At first I was thinking of just posting the Q&A because we talked about so much… but that would be boring, and I have a good idea I want to build on. At one point during the interview POOK says, “I am HIP-HOP… like KRS-One said.” Coincidently, this was two days after KRS lost his temper and went off on a panel at Stanford- he was basically defending his philosophy of “I am HIP-HOP.” So it had me thinking just what is HIP-HIP? And when POOK said that, I couldn’t agree more. If I had to label the video tape, that’s what I’d label it. I don’t want to get too much into it, because that would kill the story. But again be on the look out for it next week… its going to be dope. I’m seriously looking to hurt you with this one… no joke!

In the meantime check out dudes website: http://www.pookd.com/

“we official like a referee wit a whistle!”

I didn't have the stomach to cut deep enough. The blood freaked me out. I should have pressed hard and fast but I slid the razor back and forth like it was a fucking butter knife (I wonder how many people actually get it right the first time). It stung a little bit but the sight of the blood stung more. I opted for alcohol and whatever was in the medicine cabinet. Strike two! I should have drank first, taken whatever was in the medicine cabinet, let it set in and then cut.

Trial and error, right? I got it the next time. I expected eternal sleep. I never thought I'd go to go to hell... it never crossed my mind. And in church they said only a selected few would go to heaven; the rest of us would just sleep eternally. That's what I was after. I didn't want any special effects I just wanted the peace and silence. Instead I got the brightest white you've ever seen. Its so bright you can hear it. It scrapes my eyes like fingernails on a chalk board.

I'm a Walker. That's what I call myself- because that's all I do. Sometimes I do it alone, and sometimes I do it with other people. I'm not sure which one is more, but that's what I do. I walk. I'm never alone for too long. People die all the time, I guess. I'm pretty sure I don't get to walk them all. I'd never be alone if I did. I walk them to the door. I've never walked through (at least I don't think so), but I've stood close enough to it to kiss it. Sometimes I wonder if it'd open if I did (maybe that's the key). It opens automatically for everyone else though; I doubt kissing it would do any good.

The first time I saw the door I was with Navaeh. I'm not sure how long I'd been here when I found her, but she was the first person I'd seen. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know whether to get territorial or welcome her. One second I'm walking and it's silent. I hadn't heard anything since I'd been here. Out of nowhere I hear a tap, then I see the top of her bounce. She was skipping. The taps were in rhythm. She was wearing an Easter yellow dress with shiny white shoes... the kind little girls always where, with the buckle on the side- they look like pilgrim shoes. I remember wondering if it was Easter back home. I thought of church and how much I hated going on Easter Sunday. If there was anything I did to go to hell, it would be missing church 363 days a year except for Easter and Christmas.

I didn't know what to think of her. This could be the point where I finally figure out whether this is heaven or hell. In life, curiosity will get you killed! And she just might make it permanent this time. I thought about turning around and walking away. But all of a sudden I felt tired of walking. Like I said, I wasn't sure how long I'd been here, but all of a sudden it felt like a long time (or maybe it was just the curiosity itching me). Heaven or hell, I wanted to know what was up.

I approached her slow. I couldn't hear my own steps, but I could hear her heels tap the ground. As small as she was the taps cut through the silence so deep I could feel it where my heart used to beat. I wondered how far the sound went... if anyone else could hear them, I'm sure they'd show up. As I approached, I kept looking over my shoulder. I looked past her and to my sides. I didn't want to call out and I wasn't sure how close to get. I got close enough to run if she grew horns and close enough to catch her if she took off running. I took one last look behind me and the skipping stopped. When I turned back she was staring right at me. I stopped dead (no pun intended) in my tracks. She just stared at me with her head cocked to the side. I waited for either a pair of horns or a halo.

"Are you an angel?" she asked.
"I was about to ask you the same thing."

Navaeh was the first person I walked. We walked and talked- well she talked. But it was cool. It'd been a while since I'd heard anything, and to listen to a child's voice was like music. She had to be about five or six. She talked while skipping circles around me. She talked the whole time! She talked about lions, tigers, and bears. She talked about everything except for how she got here (and I didn't ask). She talked about her kindergarten teacher Ms. Watson. Ms. Watson didn't like it when she tapped her shoes on floor in class.

"Ms. Watson said it was a distraction, but it never distracted me," she said as she skipped behind me.

I liked her company. I liked it so much I never stopped walking... If it was up to me I'd only walk kids. Even when I was alive I liked children more than I did adults. They're easier to understand. No red tape. The most annoying kid is understandable. He gets on your nerves but once you see his parents, its like "Oh." Adults are too corrupted and set in their ways. They know too much, and its got them all fucked up. I'm dead and I'm still not over my life.

Now that I think about it, Navaeh walked me to the door. She didn't hesitate. When it appeared I stopped dead in my tracks and she kept walking. I wanted to grab her hand. I was happy when she stopped to look back. She reached back, grabbed me by the thumb with her tiny hand and pulled. My steps got shorter the closer we got until both our arms were stretched and she leant forward as if she was dragging me. The door began to open and I stopped again, but she kept walking. Her hand slid off my thumb and the void made it feel like a breeze brushed through my fingers.

"Aren't you coming?" she said. She didn't look back this time.
"Yes."

I lied, knowing Nevaeh wasn't going to stop and turn around. The sight of the door dazed me; the sound of Nevaeh's heels hypnotized me. She walked through the door and disappeared. So did the sound of her shoes. No scream, no laugh, just silence. I stood staring at the door with my head cocked to the side. The door began to close and I snapped out of it. I reached for the knob, but there wasn't one, so I grabbed hold of the door and tried to hold it open, but it wouldn't stop. My feet slid across the white like I was on ice. I realized I had to either let go or get through. I closed my eyes and jumped through the doorway. My feet landed on the other side (I hoped) with my hands clinched at my sides. I didn't feel a thing. I searched the air for the sound of Nevaeh's voice or her shoes. But it was silent. I opened my eyes and it was white. The same white as before- the same bright white scratching my eyes like the sound of fingernails scratching a chalkboard.

I wondered if Nevaeh was playing at His feet. What child isn't?

© Eric Robinson Jr.