This past weekend I was in a car accident that could have been much worse than it was. For one I swerved through three freeway lanes and got to the shoulder “safely.” Second, I could have been arrested on a DUI. I wasn’t intoxicated but had been thoroughly fucked up the night prior and had a beer earlier in the day. I could taste the alcohol on my breath, and the officer could smell it. long story short I passed all the DUI tests, regardless of the fact I was going crazy because I could have almost died, in addition to two of my close friends: one who was like my brother/father figure growing up, and another who lost a sister in a car accident less than a year ago. I was fucked up! Thinking back I’m surprised I didn’t fold… but then again I did. I folded the next day. I hadn’t really seen my friend in ten years… we’d always been close and like kindred souls but i guess there’s nothing like a near death experience to bring two people close. Here I was 25 and I felt like I was six again hanging out with dude. I cried, dude cried… we laughed, talked 2pac, church, family, god and prayer. Same tone, different words. We couldn’t shut up. I didn’t want dude to go home. I realized it’d been a long time since I really cried… the last time I was in a mental hospital on a 72 hour hold, and I still don’t know why I was crying. I was ashamed of what I’d tried to do. I was ashamed I tried to kill myself… I’ve never said that aloud. Obviously I didn’t want to die because I called 911 myself, but the fact that it got there... I won’t get into the specifics, but I don’t feel like I’ve ever confronted the fact that i did that head on. Since then (probably before then), I’ve tried to be superman and take on any and everything that came my way except myself. I’ve been detached from myself and everyone around me. Ask my girl how long I pushed her away before I accepted her into my heart… only i know how long i loved her before i was able to admit it to myself, let alone her. I’ve done the same thing with God. And i belive it caught up. I thought it caught up with me the night I tried to take my life, but i think it did this past weekend I almost died... the time i almost died and it wasn't under my control. I’ve tripped over the fac that people pull close to God during the hard times… I get it now. Am I ready to go to church? No. Will I read the bible? No. Will I try my best to humble myself and ask god to walk with me and give me the strength and courage to accept him? Yes. Last week I’d never imagine myself saying some shit like that.

A friend asked me what I learned from this weekend… I think she was speaking in terms of what the police put me through. Yes, I did learn that no matter what I’m black. no matter how much i try to raise my son to be blind to color lines, it doesn't change the fact that they're there. If I didn’t know, now I know… but something I think is more important is that I want and need a relationship with God. It still sounds crazy to think, but it feels true. The world just doesn’t seem so scary when I say it.

Note:
I really am almost done with the POOK article… its just been a lot going on as you can read. I’ve got midterms this week too. but I want it to be right. Dude spent a lot of time with me for me not to make it right.

Thanks and peace