I’ve waited awhile to write about what I do, as in what I do from nine to five. I’ve tried to wait until I feel that I have a grasp as is to what it is I actually do and the role I play. Short and sweet: I work with kids and families with “special needs.” I’ve come to see “special needs” as a blanket understatement. When I think about what I do I feel like I can’t put it into words. So I will attempt to do so by documenting my experience. Not my day-to-day experience, but how the job has effected me over the last six months.

Oringinally I thought the work would be simply acting as a mentor and “dropping gems,” or speaking words of wisdom. I thought the job would be like in the movies where the an older guy drops a gem on a young protagonist and sparks some sort of revelation within him . Early on I realized it wasn’t like that.

One of the first kids I got was soooo easy. We’d go out and talk a bit and I thought he “got it.” 16, on probation… had been caught with a little weed and kicked out of a few schools but from what I can tell he was a normal teenager except for maybe a learning disability, but even then I imagine that outside of the classroom he was just a normal teenager. It didn’t take long for the truth of his addiction to meth to boil to the surface. And just as the addiction began to reveal itself so did his home life: two parents on the verge on divorce playing house for who knows what reason- maybe they stayed together for the kids, but this kid was living proof that their efforts did more damage than good.
Anyway it didn’t take long for this kid to violate his probation and get locked up. Up until two weeks before he got knocked I was on his side and believed that no child should be held in detention. But the intensity of his addiction as well as his home situation made detention the best option available for the 17 year-old kid to get his mind right before he hit 18.

That’s an example of where my work seems not to make a difference, but on the other hand I have a 16 year-old on probation who’s problem started with ditching. Since I’ve met him his largest problem has been attending school. No learning disability (his teachers say he does fine when he’s there) just no interest. His home situation hasn’t been all that great… I’ll avoid going into detail, but to give you an idea of his situation, he’s spoken of group homes in positive way-he’s able to identify the pros of living in a group home on the spot. It’s easy to say that all of our kids would be different had they had different parents, but what this kid it screams. I watched him attempt to satisfy the terms of his probation with no support at home. He suffers from a fear of failure that is identical to his mothers. So for him to start taking steps that are out of sync with his mothers and all he knows has been amazing. He’s a graffiti artist and it seems to be his one source of pride. I’ve been careful not to knock it while still telling him to be smart about what he does. I find it ironic that a kid with such low expectations of himself and his real namesake, who has fallen through the cracks of our educational system, been ushered into the justice system takes pride in and expresses himself by marking our walls with an alias. This kid is starting to get it. He's learning t that no matter how much energy i put in the other 90% of the work has to be done by him.

Not all the kids I work with are on probation, but it is those I favorite (although I’m not supposed to). It is because they have the same problems as the others but they face imprisonment. And the truth is, while my team of 4-5 is paid to work with them there is an army of men paid to lock them up with much faster and with less effort than I invest. I think that’s been the hardest thing to reconcile. When I accompany a kid to court, out of the two hundred kids waiting for their time before a judge I wonder how few have the support that my program offers. I feel like somewhat of a band-aid for a larger problem(s): the criminalization of youth, a wack educational system and poverty to name a few. I’ve gained a whole new appreciation for community groups that work toward policy change, seemingly striking at the root of problems. I feel as though they aim to cut out the cancer while my role is more of an antibiotic.

On any given day I can see up to three clients. In one day I can be inspired, flabbergasted and disheartened. The key is to take them one by one. I’m still trying to figure out how to leave it all at work but I don’t see how its possible. Its trench work… how do you get in the trenches without getting any dirt on you?


I’ll stop now.