I woke up this morning feeling like shit. I wasn’t surprised because I wasn’t feeling too great when I went to sleep last night. My bed is pushed into a corner so I get up on the right side of the bed every morning. I’m thinking of pulling the bed out the corner so I can get out on the other, cause the right side just isn’t doing it.

I’ve only been out of school for 11 days, yet I’m ready to go back. A week ago I was looking forward to my 51 day break, but I’m broke. And everyday that fact becomes more and more clear. With no money you can’t do shit but sit at home. No Hooters, no shopping, can’t cop any music... And because I can’t cop any music I download at work. I haven’t downloaded so much since I first discovered Napster. Even more wack: because I don’t have an internet connection at home, all I do is watch TV. I could give a fuck about a book right now. The only book I’ve picked up since the semester ended is the Antioch University catalog. For the last couple of weeks my reading has consisted of class descriptions. I read them over and over again.

For some reason, I thought I'd actually have the funds to take my son to Disneyland or to San Diego for a weekend this summer. I'm struggling to take him to the movies. I'm struggling to take myself to the movies. Shit is a fucking investment. I don't understand how people with multiple kids do this shit. How the fuck do you take a family of four to Disneyland when tickets are 60 bucks a pop. That's $240, plus what $20 for parking- that's almost $300 bucks before you even walk through the gate. Fuck that!

I'm so ready to go back to school, not because I’m rested, reenergized, and I just can’t wait… well that’s not entirely true, I am looking forward to starting at Antioch. But the summer semester kicked my ass,and I've yet to exhale. I finally got my AA after 8 years! I was ready to celebrate for a minute, but I can’t do shit. I feel like a mufucker that just got out of jail with no money and no place to go. “Let me back in!” When I’m in school I’m just as broke, but I’m too busy to concentrate on it. Right now all I can think about is what I want and can't do.

The last 24 hours I’ve asked the same question… is it possible to work your ass off your whole life and never see a return? I ask myself that question knowing damn well the answer is yes. That shit happens everyday. Here in the US it maybe a little hard to see, but I know it happens/is happening. I tend to think of myself as poorer than the average man, but more blessed than the homeless. I think that’s the way a lot of Americans think. For a while, I thought it was just me that lived paycheck to paycheck, but I’m starting to realize for a lot of people (maybe even the majority) that’s just life. I just read this interesting article by Barbara Ehrenreich. In “Smashing Capitalism”, Ehrenreich talks about how the current home foreclosures and decline in the sales of retailers are a result of people simply being out of money. Whether it be home loans, credit cards, or payday loans, creditors were luring poor people into loans that they wouldn’t be able to pay back. So when people that didn't have money in the first place found out banks were actually giving loans to people who didn't have any money, took the plunged... they bit and got hooked. Now the beast is biting back. However, the bite isn’t voluntary, it's more a result of being backed into a corner. People just don’t have any money left.

This time last year I felt like I’d be okay within a year. Compared to last year lets see what's changed: they just raised my rent, and my raise at work is barely enough to cover it... ain’t a damn thang changed.

This time around, instead of thinking shit will be okay, I'm preparing for the worse, I’m tightening ship and buckling up for the ride. I’ll keep downloading my shit, passing on the trips to Hooters and I’ll do a little closet digging for new clothes. At this point I really have no choice.